TWILIGHT FRANCHISE LOCKS LOGIC IN THE CLOSET

I just watched TWILIGHT and TWILIGHT-MOON because we are getting a free SHOWTIME weekend. I am so confused by some of the basic tenets of these 2 movies. Can someone help me?

First of all Bella, the female lead, is a mere senior in high school, and not very impressive to me.  We are supposed to accept that this handsome vampire boy and his competitor stud muffin wolf boy are both madly in love with her.  I just do not get it.  Is she particularly pretty? NO. Does she have a deep  personality? Not in my opinion. Does she show intelligence? Seldom. Does she ever even smile? More rarely than snow in Phoenix.

As I understand it, vampire boy is over 100 years old. So although his body may be very youthful, he has had more time on earth than most of us will ever have (in 1 life) to emotionally mature. Yet, he still has the hots for a little high school chicky pooh? The oldest person I know is my dad. He is 98 years old, and if he had the hots for a high school chickadee I would talk to his doctor about a change in medications! Yet this vampire boy (who I understand only eats road kill because he is environmentally sensitive?) is in love with this little pom pom girl with her perpetual frown.

Of course, the same argument goes for wolf boy. And all I can say upfront about wolf boy is WOOF! He has a beautiful physique, and a lovely soul, yet Bella prefers a guy that makes normal human albinos seem tanned in comparison. Now, as a gay guy, I can see the male beauty of the actor selected to play wolf boy. The movie certainly rewards all the teen girls’ deepest lusts by showing him wearing very little most of the time. He has a classic pretty high school jock face. Put a varsity jacket on wolf boy, and he would be the classic high school girl’s dream cum true boyfriend. But Bella prefers the walking dead guy who also has a perpetual frown. When I look at his hair, I feel like yelling "surfs up" because it always looks like an ocean wave about to crest. If he had head lice, they'd all be on little surf boards!

The other foundation tenet I do not understand is, why are 100+ year old vampires going to high school? Haven’t they had a lot of years to learn how useless algebra, chemistry and geology are in normal vampire life? Imagine it. You are 109 years old but full of the vitality of a youth of 20. You have supernatural powers. You also seem to have lots of money. So what do you do to pass the time? You enroll in a rural high school. Uh, huh…..sure, makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? This would be like Paris Hilton deciding to spend her life studying how to be a maid. You would think the author would find some logical reason for vampires to act so dull,  such as claiming it is a vampire initiated effort to improve public education. Or perhaps this family of vampires lost a bet and is being forced to attend high school in punishment.

The other foundation tenet is that everyone human accepts the vampires as being human. Let’s see: they are whiter than snow, they have eyes that change color from BLACK to brown to GOLD, their skin glistens in the sun, and they can leap tall buildings in a single bound. Human? There must be something in the water supply of this little town that is blurring everyone's vision.

So to sum up, the latest film franchise has the following tenets:

1.      Supernatural studs naturally fall madly in love with this dull dreary girl named Bella, a mere high school student who could use a powerful anti-depressant and therapist.

2.      Bella naturally falls for a guy who looks like he’s been in a freezer 100 years and is covered in freezer burn rather than the ultra hunky tanned warm blooded wolf boy.

3.      Teen vampires, even though they are hundreds of years old, naturally attend the local public high school to learn how to conjugate verbs and disect frogs.   

4.      Humans in the town naturally mind their own business and see nothing unusual about snow white people with glowing golden eyes and magical powers.

I understand that later in the franchise vampire boy and Bella have a baby? I thought vampires were supposed to be like the walking dead and did not have sex. I thought they were ice cold. Ladies, how would you like something icy cold “doing the deed” with you? This would be like having a popcycle thrust.....well, you get my drift.

I understand that eventually Bella gets her wish to lose her soul and become a vampire girl. I wonder if she is then able to shop at Saks - Transylvania branch. I understand that Bella and vampire boy  settle down and raise some little blood suckers. How sweet! This sure is the stuff of every teen girl’s healthy sexual fantasies, eh?

Oh, well, it’s just a movie franchise, and I am finding some of it rather predictable. Since girls like to be the center of attention (which is my theory why they bellow so loudly in packs at the Arrowhead Mall), I bet there has to be a battle over Bella (gag) eventually. Yeah, (sigh) beautiful wolf boy and anemic vampire boy will probably fight over Bell as if she is a piece of prime fillet.  And she will watch it all with the same pasted-on sad look she carries through out all the movies.

 Boys, she isn’t worth it.

I wonder if vampires and wolfmen have dating agencies, like vampire Match.com?