I've been a member of Unity Phoenix Church (The Church of Practical Christianity) since 2004. However, I've never understood the Christmas evening service held each year. Unlike traditional services, there are no actors on stage playing the roles of Joseph, Mary, Jesus, Wise Women, Shepherds and Angels. This bothers me because I played Gabriel in one such church production as a boy and got rave reviews in the NY Times!. Of course, I had a live chicken attached to my upper back so that my angelic wing action would be spontaneous and realistic. We told the audience that the chicken's clucking was Gabriel speaking in tongues. I also had a battery pack under my robe so that my halo (a PAPST BLUE RIBBON BEER neon sign that my dad redesigned into a spiral halo like a modern energy saving light bulb) burnt everyone's eye brows. My budding gayness as a boy was also surfacing when I insisted on bleaching my hair to a golden surfer boy tone (like Troy Donahue), You see, I insisted that all angels are natural blondes. I used my children's illustrated Bible (from the Lutheran Church) as theological proof so even my hardass dad had to concede to this Lutheran Biblical truth!!
The other part of the Unity service that causes my brain to go snap, crackle, pop are the multi-colored candles on the stage. One at a time, a person comes out and lights one of the candles, saying something bizarre like "I am the disciple John and I represent courage. Roar with me". I volunteered one year for this duty and was supposed to be some little known disciple like Thadeus and given the word "Elimination". So I assumed that I represented God's grace in helping us go to the toilet! I took this elimination role seriously. I went out and bought some Metamucil and thank God each morning ever since for its spiritual effectiveness in lightening the load of my body. Yet the entire candle lighting ceremony seems like something from the Masons or Ralph Cramden's Royal Raccoon Lodge. What does it have to do with Christmas? I confess my ignorance.
Another part of the service I found strange is that every attendee is given a little white candle to light at one point, which reminds me of the candle vigils from my youth protesting the Viet Nam War. I think while we are warming our noses with our candles, the minister is talking about how we are all ONE. But all I see is hundreds of separate candles! I also wonder at the waste of all that wax. Why not gather up a huge pile of fundmentalist Christian books from authors like Pat Robertson and have a festive book burning? We could form chains and dance around the blazing fire and sing "Come on Baby, Light my Fire" (By the Doors in the late 60's).
Sigh....All we do in the service is light our little white candles, focus on not getting wax on anything, and then being told to blow them out together. Wow. Rather anti-climactic. To me it symbolizes the movie 2012 where everyone's life was snuffed out at once as the tidal waves reached Unity Phoenix.
I also have a theological question. When Mary gave birth to baby Jesus, who slapped him on the butt to make him breath by crying? Shouldn't this person be acknowledged in the Bible? It just doesn't seem fair that Jesus' butt slapper is not part of the Christmas pageant. I bet the Christian apologists would say Gabriel or some matronly angel did it, sort of a celestial Aunt Bea. Wait a minute! Where are Jesus' baby teeth? They'd be worth a fortune nowadays on EBAY. I have my golden retriever's baby teeth in a little golden box. Hmmmmm....I wonder if I could refer to them as Jesus' teeth and set up an EBAY account. One guy did try to sell his soul to the highest bidder on EBAY, but no one wanted it.
Well, on Christmas Eve I will probably again attend Unity's inexplicable Christmas service, sending my prayers to the poor volunteer on stage who represents "Elimination". Of course, if I can find out who this person is before hand, I am going to convince them to update the word. Instead of saying "Elimination" I'll suggest that the person come on stage and just say "Metamucil - a modern miracle!"
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