As we all know, the fundamentalist Christians use the Bible as justification for their "family values". But....have any of them actually read what the Bible has to say about sex?
Genesis
1."And Adam knew (had sex with) his wife; and she conceived." This is the first sexual intercourse mentioned in the Bible. Send up the 4th of July Fireworks! From this humble beginning came Hustler and Playboy magazine! Of course it resulted in a baby boy, since baby girls are hardly worth mentioning in the Bible. 4:1
2."And Cain knew his wife." That's nice, but where did she come from? The Bible doesn't mention any of Cain's sisters. Well, maybe he married his mom. In any case, Cain and the mysterious Mrs. Cain (God in drag?) have a son (another blue cigar!). His name is Enoch and he builds a city (population 3). 4:17
3."And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare yet another son." Way to go Adam!4:25
4.The "just and righteous" Noah (6:9, 7:1) plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at him – was Ham gay and did he “diddle” with his dad’s manhood?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan. " That's a sample of God's justice, I guess. A servant of servants shall he [Canaan] be unto his brethren." 9:20-25. What a grouch! Did Noah perhaps have an embarrassing tattoo that he didn’t want Ham to see?
5.Poor Pharaoh couldn't resist the "very fair" Sarai, and he takes her into his harem. (She must have been well preserved, since she was about seventy years old at the time.) 12:15
6.Sarai is the first of a long line of barren women who were desperate for children. (In the Bible, it is the women who are barren, never the men who are “shooting blank bullets”.) She sends Abram into her handmaid, Hagar, so that she can "obtain children by her." Abram gladly complies. 16:1-4
7.God establishes his covenant with Abram: "This is my covenant ... every man child among you shall be circumcised. And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin." It seems that penises are supremely important to God. Did God regret creating te foreskin? 17:10-11
8.Lot in the city of Sodom refuses to give up his visiting angels to the horny mob who want to have sex with angels. So Lot offers the mob his two "virgin daughters" instead. He tells the mob to "do unto them [his daughters] as is good in your eyes." This is the same man that is called "just" and "righteous" by God in 2 Pet.2:7-8. 19:8
9.Lot and his ravaged daughters camp out in a cave for a while. Since there are no other studmeisters around, the daughters get their "just and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives and bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story. 19:30-38
10."The Lord visited Sarah" and he "did unto Sarah as he had spoken." So evidently Mary isn’t the only female God had sex with in the Bible! And "Sarah conceived and bare Abraham a son." 21:1-2
11. Abraham makes his servant put his hand under his thigh while swearing to God. Weird. Of course "putting his hand under his thigh" is just a polite euphemism for "holding his testicles in his hand." Come to think of it, maybe it isn't so weird at all -- coming as it does from a God that is completely obsessed with male genitalia. (See Ex.4:25, Lev.15:16-18, 32, and Dt.23:1) for just a few examples.) I guess it's sort of like taking an oath on the bible. Consequently, we could logically deduce that symbolically the Bible = the penis. 24:2, 24:9
12."And the damsel was fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man known her." (Oh boy!) 24:16
13.Unfortunately the king "looked out a window, and saw, behold, Isaac was sporting with Rebekah his wife." Sporting? Were they playing Croquet? But Isaac grew rich from the lie anyway, just as his father had. 26:8
14.Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for Rachel so that he can "go in unto her." (Talk about being graphic!) But Laban gives him Leah instead, and Jacob "went in unto her [Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning -- apparently he didn't know who he was going in unto. He was not satisfied with Leah and complained to the management. Finally they worked things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too. 29:21-30
15."Give me children or else I die." Rachel considers herself worthless if she cannot produce children for her husband. But luckily she has an idea. She says to Jacob, "Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her." She solved the problem the same way as did Sarah (16:2). "And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son." (These arrangements never seem to produce daughters.) 30:1-4
16.Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes (a type of plant). And so, when Jacob came home, Leah said: "Thou must come in unto me, for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night." Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is teaching us something about sexual ethics. 30:15-16
17.Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, is "defiled" by a man who seems to love her dearly. Her brothers get their revenge by killing all of the men of the town (after first having them all circumcised), and then take their wives captive as concubines (A woman who cohabits with a man for the man’s sexual pleasure without being legally married to him). 34:1-31
18.."Reuben went and lay with his father's concubine." I wonder why God wants to tell us about it. Maybe he figures that "inquiring minds want to know." 35:22
19."And Judah saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite ... and he took her, and went in unto her. And she conceived, and bares a son (obviously!); and she called his name Er. And she conceived again [I guess Judah must have went in unto her again] and bare a son; and she called him Onan." (It seems that the probability of having a biblical daughter is considerably less than 1%.) 38:2-4
20.After God killed Er, Judah tells Onan to "go in unto thy brother's wife." But "Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and ... when he went in unto his brother's wife ... he spilled his semen on the ground.... And the thing which he did displeased the Lord; wherefore God slew him also." This lovely Bible story is seldom read in Sunday School, but it is the basis of many Christian doctrines, including the condemnation of both masturbation and birth control. 38:8-10
21.Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses up as a prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her, saying: "Let me come in unto thee .... And he ... came in unto her, and she conceived by him." From this incestuous union, twins (38:27-28) were born (both were boys of course). One of these was Pharez -- an ancestor of Jesus (Lk.3:33). 38:13-18
22.After Judah pays Tamar for her services, he is told that she "played the harlot" and "is with child by whoredom." When Judah hears this, he says, "Bring her forth, and let her be burnt." So it is OK by God in the Bible for men to use prostitutes but not OK for a woman to be a prostitute! 38:24
23.Joseph is seduced by Potiphar's wife. He rejects her advances, but she claims he "came in unto" her. She uses his cloak as evidence (evidently Joseph dropped it on her bed when he fled). Joseph is put into prison. 39:7-18
24.God promised to bring Jacob safely back from Egypt (Gen.46:3-4), but God doesn't keep his promise and Jacob dies in Egypt. 49:27
25.Jacob says that Reuben will "not excel" because he "went up to [his] father's couch [had sex with his father's wife]." (see Gen.35:22) 49:4
Exodus
26.God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been circumcised. Luckily for Moses, his Egyptian wife Zipporah "took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. So he [God] let him go." This story shows the importance of penises to God, and his hatred of foreskins (which he supposedly designed, since he created the human form). 4:24
27.Moses, like a coach giving instructions to the team before the big game, tells the men to "come not at your wives" before he goes up to Mt. Sinai. However, he didn't mention whether the team waterboy was off limits. 19:15
28.God tells the priests not to go up the steps to the altar "that thy nakedness not be discovered thereon." (Skirts on stairs are such a problem.) 20:26
29."Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death." Is it really necessary to kill such people? Couldn't we just send them to counseling or something? 22:19
30.Aaron makes a golden calf and tells the people to take off their clothes and dance around naked. God then punishes them mercilessly for following their divinely appointed religious leader. 32:1-35
31."Their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods." God always blames the women; it is they who "go a whoring" and then "make" the men "go a whoring." 34:16
Leviticus
32.Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of men who have a "running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening to know that God is so interested in the treatment of venereal disease. A pity He didn't offer a cure to leprosy (one of God's favorite punishments in the Bible) 15:2-15
33.This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on yourself, your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible. Of course, they didn’t have stain removers in those days. 15:16-18, 32
34.Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just ask them to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20
35."Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a menstruating woman. 18:19
36.Don't "lie with any beast." You probably weren't planning on doing this, but now you know it is wrong just in case you get the urge sometime. However, I do cuddle sometimes with my golden retriever. No lightning strikes yet! 18:23
37.Don't "go a whoring" after Molech (a competing God in the ancient world who enjoyed child sacrifices) or "commit adultery with him." (Don't you love it when God talks dirty? How do you have adultery with a make-believe god? Well, the human imagination can work wonders....) 20:5
38.Stay away from people with familiar spirits and don't "go a whoring" after them either. 20:6
39.If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), then all three of you must be burned to death. 20:14
40.If a man or woman "lie with a beast" both the person and the poor animal are to be killed. I feel sorry for all the gerbils that were probably slain because of this verse. 20:15
41.Don't have sex with your sister, uncle's wife, or your brother's wife -- and tell them to wear clothes whenever you're around. 20:17, 19-21
42."Neither shall he [the priest] profane his seed among his people." (His seed is holy like the Pope’s seed.) So, in other words, the priesthood should keep the spilling of their seed within the Priesthood, a verse that seems to have inspired the Catholic Priesthood! 21:15
43.A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of his God." Once again, God is obsessed about the proper state of male genitalia. 21:20
44.A man who has a "running issue" or "whose seed goeth from him" ... "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be clean." 22:3-5
Numbers
45.Moses tells his men to kill all the males and non-virgin women (how did they know, did they bring along a doctor to perform vaginal examinations?), but to keep all the virgins alive for themselves. Num.31:14-18
46."Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart." How poetic. Dt.10:16
47.If you see a pretty woman among the captives then just take her home and "go in unto her." Dt.21:11-14
48.Adulterers are to be killed. Yet, it is getting hard to differentiate exactly what adultery is in this ancient world. Dt.22:2
49.Kill rape victims if they fail to cry out loud enough. Dt.22:23-34
50.A rapist must buy his victim from her father for 50 shekels. Dt.22:28-29
51.Don't discover your father's skirt (reference to his penis). Dt.23:20
52.You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off. Dt.23:1
53.You must cut off a woman's hand if she touches the "secrets" of a man who is fighting with her husband. "And thine eye shall not pity her." Let me get this straight. If your husband is having a fight with the neighbor over trimming the hedge, and you give the neighbor's penis a squeeze (a likely event?), then it is death for you. Dt.25:11-12
54."Have they not divided the prey, to every man a damsel or two?" Jg.5:30
55.Samson goes in unto a harlot. He is also praised as one of God’s favorites. Jg.16:1
56.The Levite and his concubine. Jg.19:22-30
57.Naomi encourages Ruth to spend the night with Boaz. Ru.3:3-4
58.Ruth lies down next to Boaz after "uncovering his feet." (another of those euphemisms for hanky panky) Ru.3:7
59.Ruth tells Boaz to spread his skirt over her (hanky panky). Ru.3:9
60.Ruth lies at "his feet" until morning. Ru.3:14
61.Boaz "goes in unto" Ruth and she conceives a son (King David's grandfather). Ru.4:13
62.David buys a wife with 200 Philistine foreskins (twice the asking price). They used foreskins as money? How lovely. Maybe they made a good tasting broth when boiled for 3 hours? 1 Sam.18:25-27
63.David tells Jonathan that he has given him pleasures more than that possible of woman. This is often quoted by gay rights advocates to illustrate the hypocrisy of the Bible and Christianity, since David is obviously very much romantically in love with Jonathan.2 Sam.1:26
64."And David took him more concubines and wives." It is good to be King! 2 Sam.5:13
65.David dances nearly naked in front of God and everybody. Hmmm….sounds like an average night at the Charlie Sheen mansion. 2 Sam.6:20
66.David watches a women bathe, likes what he sees, and "goes in unto her." The Bible does not say whether he at least allowed her to get out of the bathtub and dry off first. 2 Sam.11:2-4
67.God says he will give David's wives to someone else who will "lie with thy wives in the sight of the sun." 2 Sam.12:11-12
68.God kills David's son to punish David for having sex with David’s countless wives. 2 Sam.12:15, 18
69.Ammon rapes his half-sister. 2 Sam.13:11
70.Absalom "goes in unto" his father's [David's] concubines. 2 Sam.16:21-22
71.Old King David tries to get some heat by having a beautiful virgin minister unto him. I assume she brought the lubricant? 1 Kg.1:1-4
72.Queen Vashti (the real heroine of the Book of Esther) refuses to display herself in front of the king's drunken guests. This seems sensible to me, but she probably angered God by her modesty since women were made to pleasure men. Est.1:7-12
73."All the fair young virgins" throughout the kingdom are brought before the king and the one that "pleaseth" him the most will replace Queen Vashti. See, I told you. Queen Vashti is stripped of her crown, if not all her clothes. Est.2:2-4
74.Esther wins the “Hottest Babe in the Land” contest. Est.2:8-9
75."Let her breasts satisfy thee at all times." Pr.5:19
76."Come, let us take our fill of love until the morning." Pr.7:18
77."The spirit of man is the candle of the Lord, searching all the inward parts of the belly." Pr.20:27
78."Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. SofS.1:2
79."He shall lie all night betwixt my breasts." SofS.1:13
80."His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me. I charge you ... that he stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please." SofS.2:6, 8:3
81.Our heroine takes her lover into her mother's bedroom and asks not to be disturbed "till he please." This is the first Biblical reference to the hotel “DO NOT DISTURB” sign on the door knob. SofS.3:4-5
82."Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins." SofS.4:5, 7:3
83."My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him." I don’t even want to think about this. Did he sodomize her with his hand? That would certainly move my bowels! SofS.5:4
84."The joints of thy thighs are like jewels." SofS.7:1
85."Thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine." SofS.7:8
86."We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts ... But my breasts [are] like towers." SofS.8:8, 10
87."The Lord will discover their secret parts." Why is God sniffing around people’s genitals? Is he a dirty old God? Is.3:17
88.God will shave men's "hair of the feet." ("Feet" and "hair" are biblical euphemisms for male sexual organs and pubic hair, respectively.) Is.7:20
89."Tremble, ye women that are at ease ... strip you, and make you bare." Yeah, bring on the naked dancing girls! Is.32:11
90.Committing adultery with stones and stocks. Jer.3:9
91.Circumcise the foreskin of your heart or God will burn you to death. Jer.4:2
92."As fed horses in the morning: everyone neighed after his neighbor's wife." Was this the inspiration for the 60’s sitcom MR ED? Jer.5:8
93.Jerusalem is compared to a naked woman who sighs and turns backward. "Her filthiness is in her skirts." Lam.1:8-9
94.The adversary puts his hand upon "all her pleasant things." Lam.1:10
95.Big penises. Ezek.16:26
96.Really big penises. Ezek.23:20
97.A tale of two sisters and the traveling salesman. Ezek.23:1-46
98.God makes "all their loins to be at a stand" and then cuts them off. Ezek.29:7-8
99.God tells Hosea to "take ... a wife of whoredoms." Hos.1:2-3
100.God talks about whoredoms, adulteries between breasts. He plans to strip a woman naked as the day she was born and to discover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers. When people engage in sex, it is always the woman’s fault. Hos.2:2-3, 2:10
101.God tells Hosea to "love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an adulteress." Hos.3:1
102.If you misbehave, God will make your daughters "commit whoredom" and your wife "commit adultery." Hos.4:13
103."They have given a boy for a harlot, and sold a girl for wine, that they may drink." So these favored men of God sold a boy and girl into a life time of slavery for a good time one night? Jl.3:3
104."A man and his father will go in unto the same maid." Is this Biblical Father-Son Quality Time together? Did they take turns or go into her together? Am.2:7 Nahum
105.God will "discover thy skirts upon thy face, ... show the nations thy nakedness" and "will cast abominable filth upon thee." Yeah, we all know that your Biblical Old Testament God is a psychopath with an obsession about other peoples’ sex lives. Let the old fart rant and rave. 3:4-6
Matthew
106.Jesus recommends that to avoid sin we cut off our hands and pluck out our eyes. This advice is given immediately after he says that anyone who looks with lust at any women commits adultery. Thanks, Jesus, for making a sin of the most natural of reactions, i.e., erotic feelings. Mt.5:29
107.Jesus says that married people cannot go to heaven. Remember: Jesus hung out with 12 men his entire adult life, which is just not done if you are a Rabbi. Lk.20:35
108.God abandons those who don't know him to "uncleanness and vile affections." Hmmm....a pity there isn't more detail about those "vile affections", e.g., loving women as equals to men, for example? Rom.1:24-26
109.With his usual intolerance, Paul condemns homosexuals. Modern scholars like Bishop Spong have suggested that Paul was gay (he whines to God about an affliction that is hard to resist), and projected this out upon everyone else instead of just dealing with it. Paul, GAY IS GOOD! Rom.1:24-26
110.Paul explains that "the natural use" of women is to act as sexual objects for the pleasure of men. Rom.1:27
111.Paul lists ten things that will keep you out of heaven, including homosexuality and being "effeminate." There are no sissy men in heaven. Rom.6:9-12
112.Homosexuals (those "that defile themselves with mankind") are included in Paul's list of lawless, disobedient, unholy, and profane people. 1 Tim.1:10
113.Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. Those who were not "defiled with women." In other words, the saved have not had sex with women. Paul, get your act together. In the 21st century, he would definitely be seeing a psychiatrist. Was the guy bi-polar or just a flaming hypocrite? Rev.14:3-4
114. The great harlot is described as being "full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication." Was this Rome? Throughout history the great harlot has been whatever the priesthood found most politically convenient.
Remember all this drivel the next time you see some TV evangelist thumping or humping his Bible.
